So, Anyone following any one of my blogs knows that I was engaged once before and have since been in one relationship. Which has also ended. There's been dates here and there but nothing serious.
The last guy I dated used to tell me that I had such a big heart and so much love to give, (really, he was using it as an excuse because he didn't love me and I could tell so he just wanted me to feel like I had more of a capacity for love, BS whatever.) Anyways, It's true. I have a whole lot of love to offer someone and I have freely given my heart and love to a select few, such as my ex-fiance and now ex-boyfriend. Reflecting back on that though, after starting to date again and having guys want to become exclusive already, I realized I didn't feel that excitement. I didn't get those butterflies or get super excited. Even though the guy was the guy of my dreams. I was thinking back to my previous boyfriend telling me how much love I had to give, and very defeated feeling accepted the fact that all my love had been used up. I gave my last ounce of love to a man that could never love me because I was constantly being compared to this "perfect girl" in his head. Wasted, I know. I was very grieved by this thought and the thoughts that naturally surrounded that one.
I will never settle for a marriage where I don't feel my heart tearing that the seems.
I was busy enough with school and work anyways and I am also planning a benefit fundraiser as well so I decided I might as well just focus on being awesome being alone.
One typical night, just hanging out with friends, I get a call from a man that I went out with almost 2 years ago. Before I was even engaged. He asked me on a date for that weekend and I agreed. When I hung up, something miraculous happened..... I jumped for joy. I was so excited. I didn't expect to feel that ever, especially not so soon! I looked forward to Friday night alllllllll week! Friday came and the date was perfect. We talked for hours and hours after dinner until the restaurant was totally closed and then we took a walk and just talked more. We just clicked and had so much in common. Great date. I'm definitely deciding to say yes if he asks for a second date. This guy is already in, but the icing on top of the cake? At my front door, saying goodnight, He pulled out a bag of my favorite candy... that I made ONE small passing comment about 2 years ago..... My eyes were filled with tears as I wrapped my arms around him in an excited hug! My heart was bursting at the seems. The second date will be soon. But I have hope again. I am grateful for that. Not saying that this guy is the one, or that I will be married any time soon, but there is hope.
Life is so exciting right now. I am learning so much in the world around me and I am so truly happy. 2013 has been very good to me and I am very excited about what life has in store. I am excited about the projects I am currently working on and my life right now. Things are "practically" perfect. I am so happy and just filled with joy and gratitude.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Friday, November 23, 2012
definitely doomed
Everybody has always called me a hopeless romantic. My question is though, is it really hopeless to feel that love should be a two way street? If it is hopeless, then I am definitely doomed.
I have been evaluating (more like analyzing) my recent break up. I really loved the guy. I really could have been happy with him my entire life and onto forever. I adored every little thing about him, even the silly things. (like every time I put my hand on his forearm, he would flex, I thought it was the most adorable thing) So why didn’t we work out? Why aren’t we just working through whatever dilemma we had instead of letting it destroy us and make us believe that we could find someone better. Because that’s what a break up is, isn’t it? Knowing that there is someone more suitable for you out there. If you didn’t believe there was someone better for you why wouldn’t you keep fighting for the one you’re with?
Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t someone out there for me. I was taught once that any two people striving to the gospel can be happy together. And as much as I see that proven wrong, I am believer. There’s going to be a lot of hurt in this process. Because the only conclusion i can come to as to why we wouldn't just work through this is because he did believe that there is someone else out there he would like or even love more. Which is the part that hurts. I would have put my heart through hell and back (and i feel I practically did) to make our relationship work. However, I do have dignity and now that the decision is made it’s made and it’s time to move on with life. And I will. I am already. It’s just hurtful to know that I wasn’t enough for him. I know that the issues we had could have worked out. I had been in a serious relationship before where he had to travel a lot for work, but he sent flowers and postcards and told me how much he missed me every day. Traveling wasn’t the issue, it was feeling like I was missed, or knowing that I was loved. My last relationship didn't fall apart because of irreconcilable differences or cheating or anything like that, it’s just that one of us didn't care enough. That person didn't express love enough and a person can only take that for so long. I don’t think that’s something that only I won’t be able to handle though, I think anyone consistently needs to be told that they are loved and missed or wanted. Even the prophets guide us to tell our loved ones those very things.
Truth be told, I will probably never see this man again or have another conversation with him. Unless he calls, which I will pick up, but he won’t. And I feel like I was on the receiving end of the break up, as much as we lie and say it was mutual.
Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t someone out there for me. I was taught once that any two people striving to the gospel can be happy together. And as much as I see that proven wrong, I am believer. There’s going to be a lot of hurt in this process. Because the only conclusion i can come to as to why we wouldn't just work through this is because he did believe that there is someone else out there he would like or even love more. Which is the part that hurts. I would have put my heart through hell and back (and i feel I practically did) to make our relationship work. However, I do have dignity and now that the decision is made it’s made and it’s time to move on with life. And I will. I am already. It’s just hurtful to know that I wasn’t enough for him. I know that the issues we had could have worked out. I had been in a serious relationship before where he had to travel a lot for work, but he sent flowers and postcards and told me how much he missed me every day. Traveling wasn’t the issue, it was feeling like I was missed, or knowing that I was loved. My last relationship didn't fall apart because of irreconcilable differences or cheating or anything like that, it’s just that one of us didn't care enough. That person didn't express love enough and a person can only take that for so long. I don’t think that’s something that only I won’t be able to handle though, I think anyone consistently needs to be told that they are loved and missed or wanted. Even the prophets guide us to tell our loved ones those very things.
Truth be told, I will probably never see this man again or have another conversation with him. Unless he calls, which I will pick up, but he won’t. And I feel like I was on the receiving end of the break up, as much as we lie and say it was mutual.
These are just random tangents. I just know that I am picky dater, because I know how I want my life to be. I know how my marriage will work and it won’t work for a lot of guys. The kind of guy I need is far and wide in between. But i know i better meet him soon before I lose my mind. Because I need to get married. I have never felt more of an urgency than I do now. Funny that it happens once I’m single…. Maybe the guy I was dating is lucky that he isn’t with me know that I have this desire.. l
But maybe I just need someone to restore my faith in love. I know if i Marry someone, we will be so madly, deeply, head over heals in love with other that I won’t ever not believe in love. I just can’t wait for that to happen.
But maybe I just need someone to restore my faith in love. I know if i Marry someone, we will be so madly, deeply, head over heals in love with other that I won’t ever not believe in love. I just can’t wait for that to happen.
Well off to a Bon fire to see if MR. Right is there.
xoxoxox
Desirae
xoxoxox
Desirae
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Wanted
There is a song that has been playing on the radio recently called "wanted" by Hunter Hayes. I really like the song! After listening to it several times, the lyrics started meaning more and more to me.
He states one line in the song, "put aside the math and the logic of it, you have to know you're wanted too"
That hit me hard. Under all of the kisses, the dates, the arguments, anything that this relationship encounters, s/he should feel that they are wanted. You can have all those things that compose a relationship but if you don't feel wanted, what kind of relationship is that?
Anyways, I have come to realize that where ever this crazy life leads me, I want to feel wanted. And I hope whoever is in my life knows that I want them.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thinking Ahead?
Yesterday, an interesting thought crossed my mind. It is as simple as just enjoying where we are. We have all heard the saying "Find joy in the journey" However, last night I was talking to some friends and I saw it in a different light. Maybe, I was just understanding it for the first time in a way that was more applicable to me.
In human nature, we take a stepping stone and then we are just waiting to get to the next one. We are so anxious to take it with running strides. It's great to always be progressing but you really do need to stop and smell the flowers.
I was spending some time with a friend who is recently dating someone. She really likes him and everyone was asking her about when they were going to be exclusive, then when they were going to kiss, then when they were going to be engaged. She was somewhat shocked with the questions and excitement. She laughed and said "we're dating and it's a lot of fun. Things will happen if and when they need to happen but I'm not going to rush it."
Of course that's a logical and smart way for her to be thinking. However, for some reason when I heard that, it hit me hard.
Enjoy where you are. Things are always going to be changing and unfolding with time. You will never be able to be in this moment again. Ever. So instead of wishing or jumping ahead of yourself; simply enjoy the path that got you where you are and enjoy the stone you're standing on. The next stepping stone always comes too soon, and you can never return. Every moment is fleeting.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Results
I have been thinking about a few interesting things lately. I feel as if I need to be very sensitive with this post though. I do not mean to offend anyone or step on anyone's toes. I am not passing judgement in anyway, I am simple just making an observation.
I will provide two examples:
1. There is a girl who is a good LDS girl who has a hard time talking to and meeting new people so she just chooses to exclude herself in certain activities because she is afraid of that interaction. She hangs out with the same people and if she does go out, she goes with those same people, stays with those same people, and leaves with those same people. She feels that she doesn't have many friends and that it's impossible to meet new people. She sometimes likes things that some people don't and she thinks that she doesn't have as many friends, because of that.
2. There is a good LDS girl who is sometimes shy, but will put herself in situations that would help her meet new people and help her get over that shyness. She has a good group of friends and she will go out with them, but she is always adding people to that group when they go out. She feels like she has a lot of friends and that she is always meeting new people. She likes some things that are not typical and she feels it makes her unique and people like her more for it.
A quote comes to mind when I think of example one: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Now, There is nothing wrong with having a tight knit group of friends and keeping it that way. If that's how you like it, then to each it's own! However, I am doing this post because there are people who are living like #1 and complaining that they don't get asked out as much as #2, or they don't have as many friends, or they don't do as much, no one goes out of their way to help them but will do anything for #2.
When you want certain results, you have to do certain things to get there. So you want to make more friends? Let's start simple, go to institute. So #1 and #2 go to institute. #1 says that they are doing everything that #2 is doing and just not getting the same results because it has something to do with HER, However, let's look at it a bit more closely. #2 is sitting in the middle or front of the room and stays after for a few minutes and interacts with others. #1 shows up and sits in the back and leaves as soon as it ends. That isn't giving anyone the opportunity to talk to you or giving the message that you want to talk to anyone.
There's nothing wrong with #1. No doubt, she is such an incredible person, but she is frustrated that she isn't getting the results that she wants to be getting.
In order to achieve the results that she wants, she doesn't have to change who she is as a person at all, she just needs to make certain adjustments to her behaviors. She will have to step outside her comfort zone a bit. Some people confuse "stepping out of your comfort zone" and "changing yourself to please others". There is a huge difference, I feel. You can't live your life in comfort 24/7. You will have to do something that scares you sometimes to gain a greater reward. You can step out of your comfort zone and still be true to who you are.
Honestly, what it comes down to, is if you want certain results, you have to make an honest effort to achieve them. Not just an effort, (showing up, staying in the back, leaving right away) but an HONEST effort (sitting by someone new, staying afterwards to mingle). You can always achieve the results you want. You decide the kind of life you want to live, and then live that way and don't complain about the bed you've made when it comes time to sleep in it.
Life is way too short to wish you were living some other way. Go out there and make it happen!
I will provide two examples:
1. There is a girl who is a good LDS girl who has a hard time talking to and meeting new people so she just chooses to exclude herself in certain activities because she is afraid of that interaction. She hangs out with the same people and if she does go out, she goes with those same people, stays with those same people, and leaves with those same people. She feels that she doesn't have many friends and that it's impossible to meet new people. She sometimes likes things that some people don't and she thinks that she doesn't have as many friends, because of that.
2. There is a good LDS girl who is sometimes shy, but will put herself in situations that would help her meet new people and help her get over that shyness. She has a good group of friends and she will go out with them, but she is always adding people to that group when they go out. She feels like she has a lot of friends and that she is always meeting new people. She likes some things that are not typical and she feels it makes her unique and people like her more for it.
A quote comes to mind when I think of example one: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Now, There is nothing wrong with having a tight knit group of friends and keeping it that way. If that's how you like it, then to each it's own! However, I am doing this post because there are people who are living like #1 and complaining that they don't get asked out as much as #2, or they don't have as many friends, or they don't do as much, no one goes out of their way to help them but will do anything for #2.
When you want certain results, you have to do certain things to get there. So you want to make more friends? Let's start simple, go to institute. So #1 and #2 go to institute. #1 says that they are doing everything that #2 is doing and just not getting the same results because it has something to do with HER, However, let's look at it a bit more closely. #2 is sitting in the middle or front of the room and stays after for a few minutes and interacts with others. #1 shows up and sits in the back and leaves as soon as it ends. That isn't giving anyone the opportunity to talk to you or giving the message that you want to talk to anyone.
There's nothing wrong with #1. No doubt, she is such an incredible person, but she is frustrated that she isn't getting the results that she wants to be getting.
In order to achieve the results that she wants, she doesn't have to change who she is as a person at all, she just needs to make certain adjustments to her behaviors. She will have to step outside her comfort zone a bit. Some people confuse "stepping out of your comfort zone" and "changing yourself to please others". There is a huge difference, I feel. You can't live your life in comfort 24/7. You will have to do something that scares you sometimes to gain a greater reward. You can step out of your comfort zone and still be true to who you are.
Honestly, what it comes down to, is if you want certain results, you have to make an honest effort to achieve them. Not just an effort, (showing up, staying in the back, leaving right away) but an HONEST effort (sitting by someone new, staying afterwards to mingle). You can always achieve the results you want. You decide the kind of life you want to live, and then live that way and don't complain about the bed you've made when it comes time to sleep in it.
Life is way too short to wish you were living some other way. Go out there and make it happen!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Dream from the past
So, I was reading through one of my first blogs. I found a post about a dream I had and it really hit me hard. My dream was almost foreshadowing certain events to an extent. Of course My dream took things to extreme, but I can actually still remember the dream like it was yesterday. I am going to copy and paste that dream below:
I had a dream that I was in a dream. I was married to a guy that I didn't know more that skin deep and I was pretending to be happy for all these people that expected that out of me because he was the "picture perfect" guy, but inside I was absolutely torn up and distraught about it. Well, I woke up (inside my dream) and went to have lunch with my best friend. I told her about my horrible dream and she told me as sweetly and as understanding as one could that that is what happened in real life... suddenly we were sitting in my house and I saw all our wedding pictures and home decor and photo albums of our "life" together. I just started screaming from sheer terror that anyone in my life who supposedly cared about me would let me marry someone that i didn't even know. that i didn't even communicate with at all. Someone that I married just because it was "practical." I took all the pictures in frames and threw them so the glass shattered everywhere. I started ripping all the pictures out of the wedding album and tearing them into as many pieces as possible. I was so upset.
My "husband" came home from work and started asking what was wrong. I just yelled at him for allowing me to get married to him. for him to go along with it and encourage it. We weren't in love and we shouldn't be married. this is isn't what life is about. he understood completely and didn't want to be married either but knew it is what the "picture perfect" world wanted so he grinned and bared it. I told him it was SO wrong for two humans to live like this. I had dreams. I had goals and he allowed everyone to force me to marry him and take it all away from me.
It ended with me burning the house down.
I think that is my biggest fear. It seems the people that we have passion and love for it's never practical, things aren't always perfect and so we think it can't work out. However, the people that it's perfect with, you don't always love like that. People tend to sink into those comforts and overlook that there is no spark. They overlook that the kisses don't make them weak in the knees, they overlook that that person doesn't make them lay upside down in the kitchen floor against the fridge. And a relationship needs that. Of course some times it can be confused with infatuation. But there is a part of infatuation that lasts as long as the love does. In an ideal relationship anyways.
I believe people get tired of getting hurt, They get exhausted of opening up to someone that isn't going to work out, (even though at the time, they believe that it will). It really is a tiring process to make something work with someone that isn't just "practical" but spontaneous and fun and passionate and all those other things that a real, healthy relationship should be.
Anyways, Enough of my rant. I just hope I never fall into that mind set that I can/should do something because it's practical. You should do something because it makes you happy, It makes you a better person, brings you closer to the person you want to be and closer to God.
It can still exist... just don't settle. All good things take time.
I had a dream that I was in a dream. I was married to a guy that I didn't know more that skin deep and I was pretending to be happy for all these people that expected that out of me because he was the "picture perfect" guy, but inside I was absolutely torn up and distraught about it. Well, I woke up (inside my dream) and went to have lunch with my best friend. I told her about my horrible dream and she told me as sweetly and as understanding as one could that that is what happened in real life... suddenly we were sitting in my house and I saw all our wedding pictures and home decor and photo albums of our "life" together. I just started screaming from sheer terror that anyone in my life who supposedly cared about me would let me marry someone that i didn't even know. that i didn't even communicate with at all. Someone that I married just because it was "practical." I took all the pictures in frames and threw them so the glass shattered everywhere. I started ripping all the pictures out of the wedding album and tearing them into as many pieces as possible. I was so upset.
My "husband" came home from work and started asking what was wrong. I just yelled at him for allowing me to get married to him. for him to go along with it and encourage it. We weren't in love and we shouldn't be married. this is isn't what life is about. he understood completely and didn't want to be married either but knew it is what the "picture perfect" world wanted so he grinned and bared it. I told him it was SO wrong for two humans to live like this. I had dreams. I had goals and he allowed everyone to force me to marry him and take it all away from me.
It ended with me burning the house down.
I think that is my biggest fear. It seems the people that we have passion and love for it's never practical, things aren't always perfect and so we think it can't work out. However, the people that it's perfect with, you don't always love like that. People tend to sink into those comforts and overlook that there is no spark. They overlook that the kisses don't make them weak in the knees, they overlook that that person doesn't make them lay upside down in the kitchen floor against the fridge. And a relationship needs that. Of course some times it can be confused with infatuation. But there is a part of infatuation that lasts as long as the love does. In an ideal relationship anyways.
I believe people get tired of getting hurt, They get exhausted of opening up to someone that isn't going to work out, (even though at the time, they believe that it will). It really is a tiring process to make something work with someone that isn't just "practical" but spontaneous and fun and passionate and all those other things that a real, healthy relationship should be.
Anyways, Enough of my rant. I just hope I never fall into that mind set that I can/should do something because it's practical. You should do something because it makes you happy, It makes you a better person, brings you closer to the person you want to be and closer to God.
It can still exist... just don't settle. All good things take time.
Feels right
I have this gift that I can feel when a decision that is made is right or wrong. And I am not talking morally.
Just if something happens and a course of events change, I can feel if it was for the best or if it was wrong and something needs to be changed about what had happened.
Some really tragic things can happen but because they felt right, I was able to move on quickly. Some sad things but not as tragic things can happen and effect me 10x more just because it does not feel right and I know I need to do something to change it so It's right.
I really love that "gift" that I have but when something happens and it's wrong, It's the hardest feeling in the world, because I don't always know what to do.
Just if something happens and a course of events change, I can feel if it was for the best or if it was wrong and something needs to be changed about what had happened.
Some really tragic things can happen but because they felt right, I was able to move on quickly. Some sad things but not as tragic things can happen and effect me 10x more just because it does not feel right and I know I need to do something to change it so It's right.
I really love that "gift" that I have but when something happens and it's wrong, It's the hardest feeling in the world, because I don't always know what to do.
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