definitely doomed

Everybody has always called me a hopeless romantic. My question is though, is it really hopeless to feel that love should be a two way street? If it is hopeless, then I am definitely doomed.

I have been evaluating (more like analyzing) my recent break up. I really loved the guy. I really could have been happy with him my entire life and onto forever. I adored every little thing about him, even the silly things. (like every time I put my hand on his forearm, he would flex, I thought it was the most adorable thing) So why didn’t we work out? Why aren’t we just working through whatever dilemma we had instead of letting it destroy us and make us believe that we could find someone better. Because that’s what a break up is, isn’t it? Knowing that there is someone more suitable for you out there. If you didn’t believe there was someone better for you why wouldn’t you keep fighting for the one you’re with?
Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t someone out there for me. I was taught once that any two people striving to the gospel can be happy together. And as much as I see that proven wrong, I am believer. There’s going to be a lot of hurt in this process. Because the only conclusion i can come to as to why we wouldn't just work through this is because he did believe that there is someone else out there he would like or even love more. Which is the part that hurts. I would have put my heart through hell and back (and i feel I practically did) to make our relationship work. However, I do have dignity and now that the decision is made it’s made and it’s time to move on with life. And I will. I am already. It’s just hurtful to know that I wasn’t enough for him. I know that the issues we had could have worked out. I had been in a serious relationship before where he had to travel a lot for work, but he sent flowers and postcards and told me how much he missed me every day. Traveling wasn’t the issue, it was feeling like I was missed, or knowing that I was loved. My last relationship didn't fall apart because of irreconcilable differences or cheating or anything like that, it’s just that one of us didn't care enough. That person didn't express love enough and a person can only take that for so long. I don’t think that’s something that only I won’t be able to handle though, I think anyone consistently needs to be told that they are loved and missed or wanted. Even the prophets guide us to tell our loved ones those very things.
Truth be told, I will probably never see this man again or have another conversation with him. Unless he calls, which I will pick up, but he won’t. And I feel like I was on the receiving end of the break up, as much as we lie and say it was mutual.

These are just random tangents. I just know that I am picky dater, because I know how I want my life to be. I know how my marriage will work and it won’t work for a lot of guys. The kind of guy I need is far and wide in between. But i know i better meet him soon before I lose my mind. Because I need to get married. I have never felt more of an urgency than I do now. Funny that it happens once I’m single…. Maybe the guy I was dating is lucky that he isn’t with me know that I have this desire.. l
But maybe I just need someone to restore my faith in love. I know if i Marry someone, we will be so madly, deeply, head over heals in love with other that I won’t ever not believe in love. I just can’t wait for that to happen.

Well off to a Bon fire to see if MR. Right is there.
xoxoxox
Desirae

Wanted

There is a song that has been playing on the radio recently called "wanted" by Hunter Hayes. I really like the song! After listening to it several times, the lyrics started meaning more and more to me. He states one line in the song, "put aside the math and the logic of it, you have to know you're wanted too" That hit me hard. Under all of the kisses, the dates, the arguments, anything that this relationship encounters, s/he should feel that they are wanted. You can have all those things that compose a relationship but if you don't feel wanted, what kind of relationship is that? Anyways, I have come to realize that where ever this crazy life leads me, I want to feel wanted. And I hope whoever is in my life knows that I want them.

Thinking Ahead?

Yesterday, an interesting thought crossed my mind. It is as simple as just enjoying where we are. We have all heard the saying "Find joy in the journey" However, last night I was talking to some friends and I saw it in a different light.  Maybe, I was just understanding it for the first time in a way that was more applicable to me. In human nature, we take a stepping stone and then we are just waiting to get to the next one. We are so anxious to take it with running strides. It's great to always be progressing but you really do need to stop and smell the flowers. I was spending some time with a friend who is recently dating someone. She really likes him and everyone was asking her about when they were going to be exclusive, then when they were going to kiss, then when they were going to be engaged. She was somewhat shocked with the questions and excitement. She laughed and said "we're dating and it's a lot of fun. Things will happen if and when they need to happen but I'm not going to rush it." Of course that's a logical and smart way for her to be thinking. However, for some reason when I heard that, it hit me hard. Enjoy where you are. Things are always going to be changing and unfolding with time. You will never be able to be in this moment again. Ever. So instead of wishing or jumping ahead of yourself; simply enjoy the path that got you where you are and enjoy the stone you're standing on. The next stepping stone always comes too soon, and you can never return. Every moment is fleeting.

Results

I have been thinking about a few interesting things lately.  I feel as if I need to be very sensitive with this post though. I do not mean to offend anyone or step on anyone's toes.  I am not passing judgement in anyway, I am simple just making an observation.

I will provide two examples:

1. There is a girl who is a good LDS girl who has a hard time talking to and meeting new people so she just chooses to exclude herself in certain activities because she is afraid of that interaction.  She hangs out with the same people and if she does go out, she goes with those same people, stays with those same people, and leaves with those same people.  She feels that she doesn't have many friends and that it's impossible to meet new people.  She sometimes likes things that some people don't and she thinks that she doesn't have as many friends, because of that.

2. There is a good LDS girl who is sometimes shy, but will put herself in situations that would help her meet new people and help her get over that shyness. She has a good group of friends and she will go out with them, but she is always adding people to that group when they go out.  She feels like she has a lot of friends and that she is always meeting new people.  She likes some things that are not typical and she feels it makes her unique and people like her more for it.

A quote comes to mind when I think of example one:  If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Now, There is nothing wrong with having a tight knit group of friends and keeping it that way.  If that's how you like it, then to each it's own!  However, I am doing this post because there are people who are living like #1 and complaining that they don't get asked out as much as #2, or they don't have as many friends, or they don't do as much, no one goes out of their way to help them but will do anything for #2.

When you want certain results, you have to do certain things to get there. So you want to make more friends? Let's start simple, go to institute. So #1 and #2 go to institute.  #1 says that they are doing everything that #2 is doing and just not getting the same results because it has something to do with HER, However, let's look at it a bit more closely. #2 is sitting in the middle or front of the room and stays after for a few minutes and interacts with others. #1 shows up and sits in the back and leaves as soon as it ends. That isn't giving anyone the opportunity to talk to you or giving the message that you want to talk to anyone.
There's nothing wrong with #1. No doubt, she is such an incredible person, but she is frustrated that she isn't getting the results that she wants to be getting.
In order to achieve the results that she wants, she doesn't have to change who she is as a person at all, she just needs to make certain adjustments to her behaviors.  She will have to step outside her comfort zone a bit.  Some people confuse "stepping out of your comfort zone" and "changing yourself to please others".  There is a huge difference, I feel.  You can't live your life in comfort 24/7.  You will have to do something that scares you sometimes to gain a greater reward. You can step out of your comfort zone and still be true to who you are.

Honestly, what it comes down to, is if you want certain results, you have to make an honest effort to achieve them.  Not just an effort, (showing up, staying in the back, leaving right away) but an HONEST effort (sitting by someone new, staying afterwards to mingle).  You can always achieve the results you want.  You decide the kind of life you want to live, and then live that way and don't complain about the bed you've made when it comes time to sleep in it.
Life is way too short to wish you were living some other way. Go out there and make it happen!

Dream from the past

So, I was reading through one of my first blogs. I found a post about a dream I had and it really hit me hard. My dream was almost foreshadowing certain events to an extent.  Of course My dream took things to extreme, but I can actually still remember the dream like it was yesterday. I am going to copy and paste that dream below:

I had a dream that I was in a dream. I was married to a guy that I didn't know more that skin deep and I was pretending to be happy for all these people that expected that out of me because he was the "picture perfect" guy, but inside I was absolutely torn up and distraught about it. Well, I woke up (inside my dream) and went to have lunch with my best friend. I told her about my horrible dream and she told me as sweetly and as understanding as one could that that is what happened in real life... suddenly we were sitting in my house and I saw all our wedding pictures and home decor and photo albums of our "life" together. I just started screaming from sheer terror that anyone in my life who supposedly cared about me would let me marry someone that i didn't even know. that i didn't even communicate with at all. Someone that I married just because it was "practical."  I took all the pictures in frames and threw them so the glass shattered everywhere. I started ripping all the pictures out of the wedding album and tearing them into as many pieces as possible. I was so upset.

My "husband" came home from work and started asking what was wrong. I just yelled at him for allowing me to get married to him. for him to go along with it and encourage it.  We weren't in love and we shouldn't be married. this is isn't what life is about. he understood completely and didn't want to be married either but knew it is what the "picture perfect" world wanted so he grinned and bared it.  I told him it was SO wrong for two humans to live like this. I had dreams. I had goals and he allowed everyone to force me to marry him and take it all away from me. 

It ended with me burning the house down.


I think that is my biggest fear. It seems the people that we have passion and love for it's never practical, things aren't always perfect and so we think it can't work out. However, the people that it's perfect with, you don't always love like that. People tend to sink into those comforts and overlook that there is no spark.  They overlook that the kisses don't make them weak in the knees, they overlook that that person doesn't make them lay upside down in the kitchen floor against the fridge. And a relationship needs that. Of course some times it can be confused with infatuation. But there is a part of infatuation that lasts as long as the love does. In an ideal relationship anyways. 


I believe people get tired of getting hurt, They get exhausted of opening up to someone that isn't going to work out, (even though at the time, they believe that it will).  It really is a tiring process to make something work with someone that isn't just "practical" but spontaneous and fun and passionate and all those other things that a real, healthy relationship should be.


Anyways, Enough of my rant. I just hope I never fall into that mind set that I can/should do something because it's practical.  You should do something because it makes you happy, It makes you a better person, brings you closer to the person you want to be and closer to God. 


It can still exist... just don't settle. All good things take time. 

Feels right

I have this gift that I can feel when a decision that is made is right or wrong.  And I am not talking morally.
Just if something happens and a course of events change, I can feel if it was for the best or if it was wrong and something needs to be changed about what had happened.
Some really tragic things can happen but because they felt right, I was able to move on quickly.  Some sad things but not as tragic things can happen and effect me 10x more just because it does not feel right and I know I need to do something to change it so It's right.

I really love that "gift" that I have but when something happens and it's wrong, It's the hardest feeling in the world, because I don't always know what to do.

Best Friends.

The person I end up with, I want to be best friends with.

The definition of a best friend is the one friend who is closest to you, according to dictionary.com

The definition of a friend is a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile, a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. a person who gives assistance; and supporter. 

Why would anyone want to be in a relationship that was not all of the above. You should want someone that is going to support you, be the closest to you, and you to them.  You don't want that person to be hostile towards you. You want someone who is going to support you and be there for you when you need someone. Someone who is the closest to you.  Why wouldn't the person you're going to spend forever with be your best friend?

Vulnerability.

The definition of Vulnerability is as follows:

1.

a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

b. Susceptible to attack: "We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" 

c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

2.

a. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

b. Games In a position to receive greater penalties or bonuses in a hand of bridge. In a rubber, used of the pair of players who score 100 points toward game.

If  we were in a classroom setting and I asked my audience how many people like to feel susceptible to attack or to receive greater penalties, how many would raise their hand?
Nobody wants to give another individual the power to hurt them.  It's like handing someone a newly sharpened knife and trusting them that they care enough about you not to stab you in the back, but instead to chop up some delicious food and use it to help you and nourish you rather than hurt you.  But Of course, the entire time that person is holding that knife, they have the potential to hurt you.  That can be a scary thing.
So what makes it worth it? You don't know what the person is going to do with the knife, until you give them the knife and see what decision they make.  Hopefully you won't hand a murderer you met this morning on the bus a knife! Obviously , the person that you hand the knife to is going to be someone that you trust.
Once you see how that person handles it, it becomes more natural to hand them the knife.  The hesitation fades slowly and it becomes something that you don't even think about.  You'll be in the kitchen cooking and you'll just hand them the knife and they'll hand you boiling pots of water and you just make these exchanges like it's nothing. Trusting each other not to use those things against one another.

Well, I am holding a knife, and I need to hand it to someone.
Not literally.
But I need to tell this person that I love his smile.
I love how his eyes light up when he is passionate about something.
I love how he is passionate about anything and everything that he sets his mind to.
I love how he seems so confident when he holds my hand.
I love that he pays attention to the emotions I am feeling by looking in my eyes.
I love that he remembers what I tell him... even the little things.
I love that he texts me good morning and goodnight.
I love when he kisses me on the nose.
I love that he shares with me plans that he says he hasn't hardly told anyone.
I love how active he is in the church.
I love that he has his priorities straight.
I love that he plays piano.
I love that he sings.
I love that he made me a little science experiment to figure out what would get me to sleep.
I love that on one of my worst days, He sung to me until I was calmed down enough to go to sleep.
I love that I can stay up with him for hours on end and talk about anything and everything without thinking of how tired I am going to be the next day.
I love that he genuinely cares about other people.
I love that he takes the time to get to know people.
I love that he is a worthy priesthood holder.
I love how my head fits perfectly in his chest.
I love that he reads my blogs.
I love that he loves to dance.
I love how important his family is to him.
I love that he knows how to dream.
I love that everything he does has a purpose.
I love that he reads my blog.
I love that I feel like I can tell him anything.
I love that he watches movies with me.
I love that he loves to cook (even though I haven't really tasted it yet.)
I love that is such a good story teller.
I love how much he supports others.
I love that he is constantly building other people up.
And last but not least, (and not really last but for the sake of time and this post, last)
I love that my smile is more effective than my puppy dog pout.

So there's the knife. You can turn around and not even take it, you can take it from me and set it on the counter, you can take it and use it against me, or you can take it and chop up some delicious apples and nourish me with it.
The ball is no longer in my court.

torn.

I am very torn right now.
Of course we are all looking for someone that we are compatible with and someone we are attracted to and who is attracted us. But sometimes relationships are just too complicated to get that far. We want the positive outcome but we don't want to do all the work that it takes to get there.
Relationships are hard. Because everyone wants and needs something different.
With each person some things are easier to give than others. Some people are better at gift giving, some are better at words of affirmation, some are better with quality time. Some are good at all of them, but rarely.
Sometimes, you feel jipped when someone can't communicate with you the way you need them to.  Their giving you gifts, but what you really need is quality time or vice versa. That's when things get complicated. Do you just walk away or do you let the other person know that you need something else. Either one might hurt their feelings.
What I have come to discover though, is that everyone is going to hurt you at some point, you just have to find the ones worth hurting for.

I want a relationship. I don't want to be 60 years old and alone. I want to have kids and a family and become a grandma. I want someone to cuddle with every night before I go to sleep.  But the things that build up to that. It's like a hill. Climbing up may be really difficult but once you get over it, it's smooth sailing from there.
In order to get over that hill though, you have to have someone who is going to help you, not try to pull you down.  Someone who understands how to make it easier for the both of you. That is another tricky part.

Relationships are just tricky. Which really stinks because it makes being single so easy.

I feel like I wasn't given a chance though. It is guys responsibility to define the relationship. It is the guys responsibility to bring that kind of stuff up.
I didn't even know the level you were at because you didn't ever let me know. How was I supposed to feel comfortable enough telling you how much I like you or how much you mean to me when I have no idea if that will bring you closer or push/scare you away. That's not really fair. But it's good to know where I stand with you.

But everything happens for a reason. Everything. Always.

Kisses

I love kisses.  But not just those sappy, french kisses or even just kisses on the lips.  I love kisses all over my face.  I love them on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose... I think my nose is my new favorite.  I love being kissed on my hand.  I think it's a sign of respect when a guy can kiss you there too rather than just wanting to kiss you on your lips.  I don't know, that's just what I have come to discover.  I have dated guys who do both and I prefer the face kisses a lot more.

It makes me feel adored. And who doesn't want to feel that way?

The Notebook.

So I am constantly meeting new people and learning different things about different personality types.  I have spent different amounts of time with different people.  So I started looking at the ones that I found myself spending the most time with, and why I enjoyed spending so much time with them.  I am always interested in the psychology behind the thoughts.  Why we do certain things and why we like the things we do or why we are attracted to what and who we are attracted to.  Of course, I can sit there and think about it and come up with all the reasons why I enjoyed spending time with people, but my epiphany came in a much simpler form.

I enjoy the people I surround myself with now, because that's how i imagined myself being happy when I was younger. 

Let me clarify: I am a writer.  I love to write.  All through Junior High and High School, I had a notebook with my best friend.  The notebook is something we could exchange between one another to write notes.  

My senior year in high school, I decided to have a notebook with my future best friend and eternal companion, my husband.  Obviously, I didn't know who that was going to be, as I still don't, so the letters were/are to a stranger.  I told my future husband what I wanted our relationship to be like, what was important to me, and things I love and things he should know about me.  I would wonder what he was doing at that particular time and if he was thinking of me like I was thinking of him.  I would express to him how I hoped and prayed that he was surrounding himself with virtuous young women and that they were helping him prepare for me like I was helping my guy friends prepare for theirs. I would just talk to him like a normal person. As if I was writing notes to an old friend. 

Well, I was reading back through some of the first letters I wrote and I was very specific in how I wanted our relationship to be and what I wanted to talk about, what I wanted him to know about me, what I wanted him to like about me, and then vice versa.  Well Reading back on that, I realized that any of my close relationships with people (friends included, not just romantically), all those people treat me the way that I defined that I wanted to be treated, they recognize the qualities that I hoped they would recognize, they have the kind of sense of humor that I enjoy the most, SO I realized that I surround myself with people who I chose as a young teenage girl, not even knowing who they were. 

I thought was was interesting. 

I loved reading back on those entries and it's interesting to see how I have changed but how I have also stayed the same. 

I think as we are all searching for "The One" we tend to get frustrated.  We start to settle. We start to let some little things slide because we don't feel that anyone is going to be able to live up to what we dreamed of our whole lives.  However, I strongly believe that If we don't settle, we will find someone who is everything we want that we never even knew we needed and everything we need that we never even knew that we wanted. And we will be so much happier with that person.  When you settle, you have this deep resentment for the other person deep down and it can only be canned for so long until it consumes you and breaks the relationship apart. 

Well, Good luck and may the Odds be ever in your favor.. 

Your smile.

I have to fall in love with your smile.  Totally separately from falling in love with you.
Plain and simple. I gotta love your smile.

It'd be nice if you loved my smile too.

Forgiveness

Today I participated in a marriage and family class.
The topic discussed was forgiveness.

I need a spouse who can swallow his pride because my (and our) happiness is more important than his pride.

And I expect to do the same.  I will have to swallow my pride sometimes because my spouses happiness is more important to me than my pride and whatever I am "proud" of.

Attribute #2

I must be attracted to your social life.
It is a huge turn off when the things you choose to spend your time on are aimless and unfulfilling.

I am a pretty easy going person, and I enjoy doing all sorts of things!
I am not sure exactly what I am referring to, but I just want to fit into your social scene.

It should become an "US" thing at some point. So both of our social lives needs to be appealing to one another.

Attribute #1

Whoever I end up with I must be physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to.
I will not let myself be with someone just "because it is practical"
I have to be irresistibly attracted to him, and him to me.

Lonely nights.

Well, Here I am on a Friday night wishing I had someone to cuddle up to and talk aimlessly about our days and kiss each other until our lips were numb. I don't know what got into me.
I JUST got out of a serious relationship and was convinced I did not want anything of the sort for quite some time.  However, my soul seeks companionship at this time.

So, I am in search of Mr. Right.  Not that I am going to jump into the first relationship that is put out on the table, But I am going to look for a guy that has all the qualities that I want in a man and I am going to pursue him.  Just because I got out of a relationship doesn't meant that I should pass up someone if they possess all the qualities that I want in a husband.

So here is my journey... The following you read is going to be my experiences, my thoughts, my realizations of what I really want and my discoveries of what I need.

All you men out there beware... Life has just turned into a game... or an interview :D